If Star Wars was set in Glasgow .............

Chewbacca would look roughly the same except he'd only be about 5ft
tall,from Blackhill and be called Shug. He'd have the same amount of body hair, but would also have tattoos. He would permanently smell of
whisky and piss and sport either a Rangers or Celtic top.

Obi-Wan Kenobi would invariably be referred to as Chief or Big Yin by
his cohorts. People trying to start a fight with him would addess him
asWanky-Nobby.

Darth Vader would be referred to as 'Auld Helmet Heid' or in moments
Of stress 'That Dome-Heided Basturd'

R2D2 would refuse to go out on the streets after 10pm, because of the
Number of drunks who would try to stuff chip papers in his head casing or piss on him. He would also refuse to go near groups of wee boys at any time because of the high risk of being spray painted, dumped in front of a speeding train or set on fire.

Although proficient in over 3,500 languages C3P0 would still be unable to understand anything anyone from the East End of Glasgow said. He would regularly get beaten up for being a 'greetin-faced poof fae Milngavie'.

The Millenium Falcon would have static strips, tinted windscreens and
extra-flared exhaust ports. It would have a Daily Record, "I Love
Scotland" sticker in the back window and a saltire (St Andrews cross)
Bumper sticker.

Princess Leia would get captured by Darth Vader because it's hard to
Run very fast when you're wearing 5-inch platform heels and a tiny silver mini-skirt which keeps hiking up over your arse every two steps. And you've been a heavy smoker since you were 6.

The best way to destroy the Death Star would not necessarily be a
desperate all-out attack. Two easy ways would be: (a) alter its orbit
so it passed through Bridgeton and tell the locals it was full of Roman Catholics, or (b) leave it unattended in Easterhouse.


Lines from the film as they would be uttered in the vernacular:-

"I've got a real bad feeling about this"
"Ah'm shitin' ma sel' here boy"

"Bring 'em on! I prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around."
"Come right ahead then c**ts! Ahl fight the f**ing lot o ye!"

"There's no mystical energy field controls my destiny."
"The Force?!! D'youse think ah came doon wae the rain?!"

"Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster
at your side, kid."
"Nae messin aboot wae the god squad and auld rubbish, wee man. Get
yersel' a decent shooter"

"The Force is strong in this one"
"Stop shooglin' ya wee basturd!"

"You're a little short for a Stormtrooper aren't you?"
"Ah didnae think they took short-arses in the polis?"

"This bucket of bolts is never going to get us past that blockade."
"Wuv goat NAE chance in this pile o' shite"

"Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader." "You think you're that hard, Vader so ye do. Well we're no feart ae
you!"

"I felt a great disturbance in the Force."
"F*** me! whit wiz aw that?"

"Your overconfidence is your weakness."
"Oh ye bloody think so!"

Where have you been?

I suspect mine is fairly compact compared to some of you guys:



create your own visited country map

10 countries = 4%

Chicks dig scars

apparently, but some of these are pretty sick, and thats sick as in awful, rather than sick as in todally rad dude. Although it should have been 'rate my scar'.
scarmageddon

Although I get queasy watching casualty. :)

Hows the weather

where you are Robo? I hear you've just been hit again by Hurricane something something.

Why are Hurricanes like women?
When they first arrive they're wet and wild and when they leave they've taken the house and the car. :)

Even god is against you!

Irrefutable proof I'm afraid:

International Talk Like A Pirate Day

Arrrh me'hearties; 'tis talk like a pirate day this Monday! Get ready or I'll splice yer gizzards to me mainsail....

Fancy a barbie

at Kevin Smiths house, or a walk on part in Clerks 2?
They're both up for auction.
Although personally if I'm going to be wasting 7 grand, I'd prefer it to be my flight in a lightning. :)

psp

No-one bought a PSP then yet?
Thought there'd be people in lines.
Had chance to play one a fair bit, and I've got to say, it really is very, very impressive. If you get chance to play on one in the shops, the screen really does blow you away (and attract fingerprints like there's no tomorrow).
Need for speed undergrounds the only game I've had chance to play, and while not really being into racing games, it /is/ very good. Gfx really has to be seen to be believed.
Only thing holding me off from buying on is the price. Really hard to justify it to myself to spend as much as I'll no doubt do to get a portable gaming device. I won't be able to not buy the 1Gb mem stick or a spare battery (nah, stuff it, play it till the battery wears out then switch back to GBA).
So, who's getting one?

From the scunny telegraph

Schoolboy Humour.